BY: RENEE JAMES

I recall the day my relationship with Jesus underwent a profound transformation. I’d closed my eyes to pray, and again – this had been happening for weeks – all I could see was a circle of charred tree stumps and blackened undergrowth in the middle of a forest. It was a National Geographic photo of forest fire devastation. The image didn’t surprise me, though. 

It was October 2015, and my husband’s recovery from a triple bypass had hit the eight-week mark. Eight weeks in, and I hadn’t yet dealt with the reality of his near-death nor the other losses that had hit me hard in the previous year and a half: my sister’s alcohol and drug addiction, the removal of her son from her care and into the foster care system; my father’s series of mini-strokes; my husband’s closure of his business and the loss of that income – hobby-level though it had been.  That burned-out circle – that was my heart and spirit.

On this October day, though, I also heard an invitation. “Could you stay here awhile? With me?” That was Jesus, and he had just asked me to sit with him for no other reason than to be in his presence, keep silent, and stare at what was left of my life as I’d known it. No agenda. Perhaps I no longer had the energy to figure it all out and fix it. Maybe all I had really wanted to do was grieve and howl, look and listen, and I had only needed divine permission to do so. Whatever the reason, I decided to say yes. 

Silence

Almost every day since that October morning, I’ve kept silent with Jesus. Not at the same time every day and not always for the same length of time each day. The quality of each silence changes too – sometimes quiet and mellow, sometimes charged and electric. Even so, the habit of keeping silent with Jesus has impacted me and my leadership in ministry in ways I didn’t imagine. Practicing silence has been key to my spiritual formation.

First, I’ve learned to bring all of me into that silence. Bring your whole life to God, the psalmist says, and I do. And as all of me sits, kneels, or lies in silence, in his presence, I’ve learned that God wants to love the least-sanitized parts of me – those unlovely edges of impatience and self-righteousness that my bosses, colleagues, and those I serve won’t ever see. Learning and believing that fact has helped me to love the women with whom I work and the women I serve in ministry. It’s helped me to love myself.

Second, I now rely less on my Baptist common sense and pragmatism when faced with bottlenecks on projects or stalemates with my colleagues. I pray for discernment and revelation first: How will God express his love to me and others through this situation? And what does he want me to say or do to express that love? 
One day, as I sat in silence with my eyes closed, I could see minuscule shoots of green – new life – poking up around the burnt-out tree stumps. Silence had sharpened my senses to the movement of God in the day-to-day ordinariness of life and leadership, and I knew that those hints of green signaled his work in my life and in the lives of those with whom I work and serve.

I would have missed the tender hope of those green shoots had I not been sitting in patient silence. Patience and hope now mark my approach to the never-ending to-do list, the dozens of emails and conversations I have weekly, and the different ministry projects I’m creating and leading. God’s in no rush (believe it or not), and hope is best savored in the company of the One who is Hope personified.

About Renee

Renee, who is originally from Trinidad, is a seasoned leader with over 24 years of ministry experience in a variety of pastoral and director roles. She is the communications associate at Wycliffe College at the University of Toronto, an evangelical graduate school of theology located on the university's downtown campus. Before that, Renee was the communications director for Canadian Baptist Women of Ontario and Quebec (CBWOQ), a position she held for 17 years. As part of her role with CBWOQ, she was responsible for the vision, execution, and marketing behind Live Magazine – the organization’s flagship publication. Renee is an award-winning writer and editor who has been published in Kyria (now CT Women), Gifted for Leadership (Christianity Today’s women’s leadership blog) and Faith Today.

Renee is driven by a deep call to love women into the Kingdom and to champion those whose voices have been overlooked or not fully heard. Before moving into full time communications ministry, she served on the pastoral team at a Canadian Baptist church in downtown Toronto.

Renee has worked in two of the largest advertising agencies in Canada. She currently serves as a volunteer coach for executive and emerging leaders with Arrow Leadership.