BY: ANN MCCALLUM

I often try to put myself into a Gospel narrative and encounter Jesus in the experience of the characters in the story. Such is the case in this account of the woman who had been crippled for 18 years. She did not come to the synagogue seeking healing on this particular Sabbath, at least not that we’re told. She was bent over and could not straighten up, and we are told a spirit crippled her. The NIV text notes in my Bible suggest the bones of her spine were rigidly fused. Yet, despite this disability, she faithfully attended the synagogue to worship. I wonder if I would take the excuse to miss church because of my pain. Maybe after 18 years, you learn to live with it.

As I took on this role, I saw myself as the crippled woman. Not bent over from physical disability, but from spiritual bondage. For a long time, I have been dealing with circumstances that have crippled my spirit, so that I am always living for others’ approval. It has become all about performance, so I put on a ‘false self’ for people to see. The ‘self’ that needs to be right. The ‘self’ that feels like I’m successful if I come out of a conflict with everyone still liking me. The ‘self’ that is driven by the expectations of others.  I picture myself, bent and broken, hobbling to Jesus as He calls me forward. He holds out His hand to heal, but instead of letting Him place His healing touch on me, I lean on His arm and want Him to prop me up and help me walk in my bent and broken condition. Jesus gently asks me, “Do you want to be well?”

I don’t answer quickly. He wants to heal, but I’m content for Him to help me function better as a crippled false self. How long has Jesus been trying to heal me and set me on the path to true wholeness in Him, only to have me wave aside His hand and use Him as a crutch instead?  He has a right to ask the question. Do I really want to be well? This is no longer a simple answer.

I let Jesus in to probe the depths of my heart. Being well means I have to learn how to walk all over again. Everything changes. Am I ready for that? Am I prepared to go forward in my life, discarding my false self, and letting everyone see the real me?  The one that’s going to let them down, the one that isn’t perfect, the one who isn’t going to make their good feelings my priority if what they really need is to hear the truth?

I bow humbly before You, Jesus. I want to be well. I confess that this has not always been the case. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to sustain this, but my tendency to protect myself from pain will kick in as soon as life starts to get uncomfortable. Lord, I’m willing. Please stay with me. I can’t walk on my own.

Once the woman was walking straight again, there was no going back. I would have recoiled as soon as the synagogue ruler yelled at me about getting healed on the Sabbath (v14). Jesus was the one who answered him, though. Maybe there’s a clue for me as well. I know I’m going to face tests, but I need to cling to the Lord Jesus and trust Him. He’s going to teach me how to walk again and to live as my true self. I have to trust that He will defend me. Thank you, Lord.  

As you read my story, I hope you find the truth for yourself. Change takes courage. Jesus is asking you, “Do you want to be well?”

Ann is a graduate of the Emmaus Spiritual Direction program. She offers a wealth of experience from 22 years as the Executive Director of Highlands Youth for Christ, and the rich mentoring relationships she has fostered with many young women. She now practices Spiritual Direction from her home in Tottenham, ON and is the Administrative Assistant at Emmaus.  Ann is also the author of the Bible Study “Holy Calling: Becoming a Godly Wife”.

Ann has been married to Keith McCallum for 40 years, has 3 adult children and 10 grandchildren. Ann loves leading guided Spiritual Retreats for individuals and groups, and Meditative Hikes.